Monday, March 30, 2009

Monday AMuse

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - pet nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

14 comments:

  1. Ha, I'd seen this one before, but I still like it and it's so true. A definite keeper.

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  2. Wait, so if my daughter gets pregnant, I can't sell the baby?

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  3. A fun post with many truths. Thanks.

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  4. Wouldn't you know it. Geewits and I zeroed in on the same thing - you can sell their children.

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  5. Obviously, you’re not fully understanding that it is the dog and cat’s home you are living in and as long as you’re under their roof, you play by their rules!!

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  6. Thank you all for visiting. Yes, it is a battle of wills XUP, and it is so funny to those of us who know the truth of it, Irene, Vanilla, Scott, miwise (so nice to see you back, miwise)

    And NO geewits but, you do get to give them back when you are done playing with them. Whew, it's a good thing you don't have kids, Jazz!

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  7. I love your cat and dog--attude!
    Ummm..# 11..spayed or neuter is better. a pet owner who identifies with all that you said!!
    =^.^= NG :)

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  8. Our greyhound once ate half a batch of fresh cookies right off the kitchen counter. Those dogs are too tall.

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  9. This one makes me laugh every time. I think it's time I printed it out myself and stuck it up on our fridge!

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  10. I so like this and I am going to post it to both pets and peoples when I get home. Thank you for my morning smile and thanks for sharing.
    Smiles

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